I've been writing this in my head throughout my entire maternity leave. I wanted to get this out there sooner. I was sure I'd have the time one afternoon, one evening, during naps, before anyone woke up one morning, etc. Sadly, it took sitting back at my desk at work on a dreary, blustery, snowy afternoon to finally get my thoughts started on paper…well, on the computer screen. I hope you enjoy what I'm writing during my mental breaks from work during my first week back. This is, once again, another mommy topic that I'm sure will spur some comments. So, once again, here are my thoughts and opinions…
This topic came to me awhile ago, but really came to life when Henry (my third child) was just 5 days old. He had his first pediatrician's appointment that morning. I took him there by myself and brought the grocery list as well. After his appointment I journeyed over to Kroger. We needed groceries. And not just milk and bread…we needed everything. I put Henry in the Snap 'n Go stroller, grabbed a Starbucks and pulled a grocery cart behind me filling it to the top. It looked as though I hadn't shopped in weeks. I took my time as he slept and at the end I pulled into a check-out lane behind another woman with an infant in a similar pumpkin seat in her cart. Her cart which seemed bare with only the baby and less than 5 items – the essential milk, bread, etc. was present. I could see her baby, but she couldn't see mine. Here's our conversation:
Me: "Looks like you have a little one as well…how old?"
Woman: "Yes, just 3 months."
Me: "So cute."
Woman: "Thanks, how old is yours?"
Me: "Only 5 days."
The woman then looked from me to my overflowing cart to my stroller and then back to me and back to the cart. Her facial expression could not even be described. I quickly saw the look of defeat on her face and I felt bad that I hadn't lied and said that Henry was really 2 years old because her response was a quiet and monotone, "I thought I was going to die when mine was 5 days." Saying that Henry was 5 days old was an insult to her…how could I be out buying groceries (and lots of them) by myself with a 5 day old?? I believe she was feeling really good about being out with her baby (an accomplishment for her) until she came across me. I had to quickly reassure her…and I did.
Me: "Oh, don't worry. He's my third. It gets easier."
She did smile, but I don't think she was convinced. We can categorize ourselves all day long: working moms/stay-at-home moms, breastfeeding moms/bottle-feeding moms, organic moms/non-organic moms, etc. Today I'm focusing on moms with only one child versus moms with multiple children. I only say versus to point out a difference. As a mom of multiple children, we really need to look out for and help those moms that are just experiencing the joy of motherhood for the first time. It is extremely overwhelming for most. Moms of multiples need to get rid of the "told ya so", "here's the only advice you need", and "you have it easy with only one" attitudes and jump in with consoling, listening, steering, empathizing, etc. And moms of multiples need to quit being down on themselves because what they envisioned isn't what reality looks like (more on this later).
I've written previously about deciding on the number of kids you want to have. So I must add that moms with only one kid and no plans of any more…you may never understand parts of this. (However, I'll never understand what it's like to be your child's only playmate in a home without siblings!) I'm sure some of the following could also be due to the parent's attitude and habits as the child ages and as the parent ages as opposed to the number of kids there are in the family. So chime in with your experiences and perspectives. Moms of one kid currently, but plans for more? Promise me you'll read this after your second or third child is a toddler. I think you'll relate more (and laugh louder) then.
Although I must now admit I was really bummed that my best friend had her first two kids way before me, I now see what a blessing it was. She was pregnant with her third while I was pregnant with my first. Although I'm sure it would have been fun going through all of the "firsts" together, I now see that I was lucky to have her help keep me sane and give me some realistic perspective – which continues today. Otherwise, we may have been two people running around like chickens with our heads cut off.
On the other hand, how she didn’t kill me as I experienced new things for the first time (and either freaked out, got overjoyed or just cried), I'm not sure! You can easily stereotype a new mom. There were definitely things I did as a new mom that now make me cringe or wonder if I was out of my mind. Did I seriously use the breastfeeding/poopy diaper measurement chart given to you at the hospital for weeks and weeks? There are things a lot of new moms probably try but soon abandon due to other priorities. I tried going organic with Stella, but never stuck with it for multiple reasons.
When I told the new mother at the grocery that it gets easier, I was not exactly telling the truth. It absolutely does not get easier in general. The truth is that it's different things that get harder. Going to the grocery store with just one child was my new easy! And most moms of multiples that I've had conversations with all come down to one realization…you lower your standards to keep your sanity and create your new "normal". You try to focus on doing your best at that moment – the definition of "that moment" is what changes over time. So what seemed right or the best thing to do when you had only one kid changes as your family grows. At least it did for me.
When you are a new mom and talk to friends with multiple kids, it's sometimes like being from a different planet. As a new mom you may gawk at the idea of your toddler drinking juice, eating sweets or having treats. Who in their right mind would contaminate their child with sugary candy/drinks before the age of 2? Moms with multiple kids! (If I could only tell if you were laughing or cringing right now!) Just try telling your 18 month old that although she also cleaned her plate at dinner, she can't have a treat because her 3 ½ year old sister didn't get treats until she turned 2 years old. Pick your battles with children #2, #3, etc. One cookie every once in awhile won't kill them even if it's at an earlier age than child #1 received exact same treat.
So here's a tiny peak of the planet I currently live on…the following is a list of some of my lower standards and/or things that have changed over the course of three kids:
1. Baby book/calendar – I purchased both for Stella. I could not understand why my best friend did not want a new baby book as well during the same shopping trip while we were both pregnant (remember, it was her third pregnancy). I only kept current with the calendar. Therefore, for Charlotte I only purchased the 2-year calendar which is blank past 9 months old. I made myself buy a 1-year calendar for Henry during my last week of pregnancy…I was feeling guilty for not having one. It's still not open and he is 13 weeks old…so his existence isn't even documented in it.
2. Swimming lessons = Bath night.
3. Blood = A hysterical scare the first time. However, when you have multiple kids and one gets hurt in a store and is bleeding and obviously needs stitches…the first thought that goes through your head might be, "Should we check out first or just leave the full cart sitting here in the aisle and get to the ER?" (We did leave the full cart.)
4. Photos - I have a unique photo album of Stella. It's her picture taken every week in the same spot her first year of life. Fifty-two photos that show her week-to-week changes. Although I have photos of Henry, I never did make a birth announcement.
5. Daycare Incident Reports = I used to have lots of questions when they were filled out for Stella: What happened to her? Who did this to her? Etc. Charlotte was bit at school recently and my first question was, "Did she deserve it?"
6. Naps – With Stella I tried every schedule and followed the eat, play, sleep routine to the extreme. I did have Charlotte napping in her crib around 8-9 weeks old. Henry will not sleep much at daycare because he's used to being in his car seat and napping during errands!
7. Veggie Straws = A serving of vegetables.
8. Family Photos – For Stella's baptism I wanted the photo to be perfect. Everyone needed to look nice and also be looking at the camera. Now? I just want the right people in the photo. At Henry's baptism our family photo included Charlotte's pacifier and Stella's pink construction paper crown made earlier that day in Sunday School. I don't think either of them are looking at the camera.
9. Being Mobile - With only one child, this used to mean having a stocked diaper bag, a high chair cover, disposable placemats, disposable bibs, etc. with us at all times. Now it means having a diaper and/or pull-up in the car (which is now a minivan) or in my purse.
10. Wade Holiday Party - Used to be a drunk fest that started at 7/8 PM and went to midnight. Evolved into an Open House from 3-8 so that we could get people to leave around the kids' bedtime and still clean-up before going to bed ourselves. This year we are going to meet another family downtown on a Saturday night to see Santa rappel from the Macy's building and watch the fireworks afterwards.
11. Exercise - Used to have a great workout schedule. Running, biking, etc. Then it turned into pushing a stroller on a walk with my neighbor. Now it's the muscles I build when Henry is in the Baby Bjorn strapped to the front of me and I'm also holding Charlotte on one hip (so she won't run away) while I'm pushing Stella on a swing. As a magnet in my cubicle states, "My kids are my cardio."
12. What I want to do turned into what needs to be done 95% of the time.
The point of this is NOT to paint an ugly picture for moms of one child that want to expand their family. It's to let them know that if they find themselves "lowering the standards", having different expectations, or wondering what happened to the vision they once had, it's ok. Don't feel guilty as long as you are doing your best in the moment. People constantly ask me, "How do you do it all?" I don't. Maybe it looks like it because I don't broadcast that on Wednesday nights the baths are skipped because of swim lessons. And I did feel a little guilty about this at first. But then I saw other moms in the locker room putting their kids straight into pajamas as well. And realizing it wasn't just me…made me feel better. So that's why I posted my list above – so that maybe some of you can relate (while I'm sure others can't stop shaking their heads.)
There are so many, many things that I used to do or be involved with that just don't exist in my world anymore. For example, I've given up on organizing photos, reading books, and leisurely shopping. (Remember leaving in the morning and browsing TJ Maxx, Kohls, Macy's, the mall, etc. all day for nothing in particular? And now a trip by yourself to Costco, Kroger or Target for necessities is a blessing!) I would love to do more volunteer work. Do I miss those things? Absolutely. But I'll return to them at some point in my life. Right now being in the moment with my kids matters most.
And don't be fooled by other moms you think are doing it all. I felt deflated when my best friend's third child had learned to dress herself way before Stella. How was she doing something with three kids in the house that I couldn't accomplish with one? It was quickly pointed out to me by my dear friend (with a smile and a laugh) that her daughter learned this due to "a healthy amount of neglect" from being the third child.
Bottom line? As I've stated in other writings, support each other. Be open-minded. Keep the word "perspective" at the forefront and remember that we all live in different environments. All moms need reassurance, not to be measured. Quit comparing yourself to other moms no matter what the similarities or differences are. I recently went to a Girls Night Out dinner and 3 of the 6 moms had one child, but were planning for others in the future. The other three of us had 2, 3, & 4 children. The conversation was great as the three of them asked the three of us pointed questions. What I remember most was that it stayed positive and light-hearted.
Treasure your children, no matter how many you have. For us, the third time's a charm even if it's not easy.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
And The Garage Lights Were On!
A couple of weeks ago I had to work really late at a Leadership program my department was in charge of facilitating. At 10:00 PM when I turned onto our street I could see a light guiding me home…our external garage lights. Andy had left them on and it warmed my heart. It was just a small thing. It was something no one else would notice. It was something that wouldn't matter to most. However, to me, it meant that sometime before he went to bed he was thinking of me and watching out for me (and the van). Our new minivan barely fits into the garage. The first few entries I had near-misses with the mirrors on both sides. And at night it's really hard to see upon entering. So if I go out and know it will be dark before I get home, I try to remember to turn on the external garage lights. This is not something Andy ever does. So when I pulled into the neighborhood completely exhausted I realized that navigating into the garage was not going to be fun since I hadn't flipped the lights before I left in the morning. But he did it for me.
Relationships are interesting. The focus of this writing is marriage and specifically my relationship with Andy. This is not to judge other people and how they make their relationships work. This is not a guideline for others. For me, this is a documentation for my kids. I want them to realize someday that this is something Andy and I put a lot of focus on – how we interact with each other while raising our kids.
Andy and I were raised in very different environments. His parents have been married for 30+ years. Although his mom is educated and had a career, she stayed home during most of his childhood. On the other hand, my parents divorced when I was five after 10 years of marriage. However, I was fortunate to have both parents remain a part of my upbringing. My parents kept their issues between each other – my sister and I were not dragged into the middle of anything. My parents were always able to be in the same room and be cordial to each other. This is still applicable today as they are brought together again more often now due to their grandkids (births, baptisms, birthdays, etc.) It's definitely something I appreciate now that I am older and understand things a bit better. And my mom did remarry and I had a great stepdad and got to watch him raise my brother with her until he passed away a few years ago.
So I think that Andy and I have been able to take "nuggets" from our parents in order to create what works for us. That's my hope for our kids. Who knows what the world will look like years from now when our kids find someone to spend their lives with in a relationship. My goal is to do our best so that they see/observe/experience more "nuggets" to take with them than to leave behind. There are 5 main areas that come to mind when I think of our relationship.
Open Communication and Trust
I list this one first because to us it's the most important. Andy and I probably share a little too much information with each other, but it works for us. We talk about absolutely everything: work, finances, the kids, sports, our family and friends, the past, our future, the news, world events, things that are bothering us (big and small), etc. It's not unusually for us to talk 1-2 times during the work day. Even my mom knows that when she says, "And don't tell anyone…" that really means, "And don't tell anyone but Andy…" We trust each other, and probably because we do tell each other everything and keep each other updated on things. If Andy wanted to log-in to my hotmail or Facebook accounts, he has complete access to my passwords and vice-versa. However, we are not the type to "check up on each other". We just don't have anything to hide. But, there are definitely times of the year when things (credit card statements and email accounts) are off-limits due to gift-buying, etc. I'm guessing my hotmail messages between me and my girlfriends wouldn't be that interesting to him anyway! Although he does have fun hijacking my FB account from time to time.
Respect and Recognition
For us, simple manners are essential. Yep, I thank Andy every time he takes out the trash. If I forget right then or don't notice immediately, I make sure I mention it later. And he thanks me for cleaning up the kitchen after dinner every night. There is nothing like feeling appreciated. I never want Andy to feel like I take him for granted. "Please", "thank you", "I really appreciated it when…" are common at our house and it goes both ways. And now it's nice to see our girls do the same without being prompted. There are also times where a small surprise will show up – the CD I really wanted, but didn't purchase for myself or the car wash and gas fill-up I had done while I was using his vehicle. Little acts of kindness that still show each other we care. A card or a note out of the blue. Small things with big impact.
Shared Responsibilities
Kids and chores. These things both suck a lot of time and energy out of you. One is definitely more rewarding than the other. In our house the responsibilities are pretty much split 50-50. I will say that right now this is because we are both working parents. I could see this shifting if I was home more. Andy helps a TON at home. Both of us get the girls ready in the morning, but he is the king of baths at night. Baths are much more fun with daddy in charge because then they include bubbles, boats, ducks, mermaids, etc. Plus, I apparently get water in Stella's eyes as she constantly reminds me. So I usually get kitchen clean-up duty instead. There are certain items that tend to fall more on one of us than the other – he does the trash, yard work, house stuff, etc. and I do the laundry, grocery shopping, etc. We definitely divide and conquer. I have the most respect for single-parent households or those that have one person constantly traveling for his/her job. I'm not sure how they do it all alone or while the other one is away for work!!
Personal Time/Hobbies
Andy and I still find a way to sneak in our personal hobbies, etc. These things are important to us – keeping the things we enjoy in our lives even if the other person isn't involved. For example, Andy's cycling falls into this category. Although it has definitely dwindled since having kids, I still feel it is very important to get Andy on his bike whenever possible. I don't resent the 1-2 hours he goes out on Saturday and Sunday mornings to pedal, pedal, pedal. It's his time and recharges him. And he never complains about my monthly Girls Night Out events or all the crafting I do – our dining room currently looks like a hair bow/headband factory.
Date Night/Kid-Free Time
This one takes more effort. For us this doesn't mean having to get out of the house. When the kids go to bed we could easily go off and do separate things the rest of the evening. However, we make the effort to actual spend some time together – talking, watching TV, etc. Does this happen every night? Nope, but most. Since the girls go to bed pretty early right now (by 8:00) we will sometimes do what we have to/want to until 9:00 and then regroup together for an hour before heading to bed ourselves. And we are really good about scheduling dates. Sometimes it's as simple as a lunch date during the work week (sadly it does require an official Outlook meeting request to get it on the calendar). We are also fortunate to have relatives and friends that will watch the kids for an afternoon or an evening and we also have a great "pay" babysitter for weekend nights. We try to go out every couple of weeks on our own and we also send the kids to grandma's overnight every once in awhile. Andy and I would like to get-away more, but we've had to rethink a few weekends away due to my pregnancies and other pop-up illnesses. Still trying to reschedule a weekend trip to Chicago that was canceled when I was pregnant with Stella and got the flu!
All in all, this is only a small part of what makes us work. There are plenty of things I'm sure I've left out. Basically, I feel fortunate to have found someone that is willing to work at this relationship with me on a daily basis. Yes, it's challenging at times and we find ourselves losing the battle against the chores, kids, work, and even each other. But then we refocus on us and recharge because it is so worth it.
So each night before I go to bed I thank my lucky stars that people can say, "See, he's her lobster".
Relationships are interesting. The focus of this writing is marriage and specifically my relationship with Andy. This is not to judge other people and how they make their relationships work. This is not a guideline for others. For me, this is a documentation for my kids. I want them to realize someday that this is something Andy and I put a lot of focus on – how we interact with each other while raising our kids.
Andy and I were raised in very different environments. His parents have been married for 30+ years. Although his mom is educated and had a career, she stayed home during most of his childhood. On the other hand, my parents divorced when I was five after 10 years of marriage. However, I was fortunate to have both parents remain a part of my upbringing. My parents kept their issues between each other – my sister and I were not dragged into the middle of anything. My parents were always able to be in the same room and be cordial to each other. This is still applicable today as they are brought together again more often now due to their grandkids (births, baptisms, birthdays, etc.) It's definitely something I appreciate now that I am older and understand things a bit better. And my mom did remarry and I had a great stepdad and got to watch him raise my brother with her until he passed away a few years ago.
So I think that Andy and I have been able to take "nuggets" from our parents in order to create what works for us. That's my hope for our kids. Who knows what the world will look like years from now when our kids find someone to spend their lives with in a relationship. My goal is to do our best so that they see/observe/experience more "nuggets" to take with them than to leave behind. There are 5 main areas that come to mind when I think of our relationship.
Open Communication and Trust
I list this one first because to us it's the most important. Andy and I probably share a little too much information with each other, but it works for us. We talk about absolutely everything: work, finances, the kids, sports, our family and friends, the past, our future, the news, world events, things that are bothering us (big and small), etc. It's not unusually for us to talk 1-2 times during the work day. Even my mom knows that when she says, "And don't tell anyone…" that really means, "And don't tell anyone but Andy…" We trust each other, and probably because we do tell each other everything and keep each other updated on things. If Andy wanted to log-in to my hotmail or Facebook accounts, he has complete access to my passwords and vice-versa. However, we are not the type to "check up on each other". We just don't have anything to hide. But, there are definitely times of the year when things (credit card statements and email accounts) are off-limits due to gift-buying, etc. I'm guessing my hotmail messages between me and my girlfriends wouldn't be that interesting to him anyway! Although he does have fun hijacking my FB account from time to time.
Respect and Recognition
For us, simple manners are essential. Yep, I thank Andy every time he takes out the trash. If I forget right then or don't notice immediately, I make sure I mention it later. And he thanks me for cleaning up the kitchen after dinner every night. There is nothing like feeling appreciated. I never want Andy to feel like I take him for granted. "Please", "thank you", "I really appreciated it when…" are common at our house and it goes both ways. And now it's nice to see our girls do the same without being prompted. There are also times where a small surprise will show up – the CD I really wanted, but didn't purchase for myself or the car wash and gas fill-up I had done while I was using his vehicle. Little acts of kindness that still show each other we care. A card or a note out of the blue. Small things with big impact.
Shared Responsibilities
Kids and chores. These things both suck a lot of time and energy out of you. One is definitely more rewarding than the other. In our house the responsibilities are pretty much split 50-50. I will say that right now this is because we are both working parents. I could see this shifting if I was home more. Andy helps a TON at home. Both of us get the girls ready in the morning, but he is the king of baths at night. Baths are much more fun with daddy in charge because then they include bubbles, boats, ducks, mermaids, etc. Plus, I apparently get water in Stella's eyes as she constantly reminds me. So I usually get kitchen clean-up duty instead. There are certain items that tend to fall more on one of us than the other – he does the trash, yard work, house stuff, etc. and I do the laundry, grocery shopping, etc. We definitely divide and conquer. I have the most respect for single-parent households or those that have one person constantly traveling for his/her job. I'm not sure how they do it all alone or while the other one is away for work!!
Personal Time/Hobbies
Andy and I still find a way to sneak in our personal hobbies, etc. These things are important to us – keeping the things we enjoy in our lives even if the other person isn't involved. For example, Andy's cycling falls into this category. Although it has definitely dwindled since having kids, I still feel it is very important to get Andy on his bike whenever possible. I don't resent the 1-2 hours he goes out on Saturday and Sunday mornings to pedal, pedal, pedal. It's his time and recharges him. And he never complains about my monthly Girls Night Out events or all the crafting I do – our dining room currently looks like a hair bow/headband factory.
Date Night/Kid-Free Time
This one takes more effort. For us this doesn't mean having to get out of the house. When the kids go to bed we could easily go off and do separate things the rest of the evening. However, we make the effort to actual spend some time together – talking, watching TV, etc. Does this happen every night? Nope, but most. Since the girls go to bed pretty early right now (by 8:00) we will sometimes do what we have to/want to until 9:00 and then regroup together for an hour before heading to bed ourselves. And we are really good about scheduling dates. Sometimes it's as simple as a lunch date during the work week (sadly it does require an official Outlook meeting request to get it on the calendar). We are also fortunate to have relatives and friends that will watch the kids for an afternoon or an evening and we also have a great "pay" babysitter for weekend nights. We try to go out every couple of weeks on our own and we also send the kids to grandma's overnight every once in awhile. Andy and I would like to get-away more, but we've had to rethink a few weekends away due to my pregnancies and other pop-up illnesses. Still trying to reschedule a weekend trip to Chicago that was canceled when I was pregnant with Stella and got the flu!
All in all, this is only a small part of what makes us work. There are plenty of things I'm sure I've left out. Basically, I feel fortunate to have found someone that is willing to work at this relationship with me on a daily basis. Yes, it's challenging at times and we find ourselves losing the battle against the chores, kids, work, and even each other. But then we refocus on us and recharge because it is so worth it.
So each night before I go to bed I thank my lucky stars that people can say, "See, he's her lobster".
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
What's in a Name?
First, let me state that neither Andy nor I have any ill-will towards our parents for the names that were given to us…
Naming a child is complicated. You are most likely giving something to someone that they will keep for life. And if it's a boy, the last name will remain as well. A girl may get married and decide to change her last name and that's obviously out of your control. I always find it fascinating to hear why a name was picked. Some people probably over think the process…and Andy and I are probably included with those people!
Before Andy and I even got married the naming discussion came up at some point. We (he may or may not remember this) actually agreed that whatever we named our kid(s), our goal would be to name him/her whatever we planned to call him/her. I was named Patricia Ann Bucher at birth and he was named Michael Andrew Wade. We have both spent our lives correcting people when they assume our shortened names. Just the other day we were "Pat & Mike". No thanks.
Other things we now also take into consideration – initials, possible nicknames, meaning, saying it out loud and popularity.
Initials – Andy and I happen to formally be "MAW" and "PAW". The mortgage lenders have the most fun with this one since you have to initial EVERY page of a mortgage or refinance document. And it's even funnier to them since he's "MAW" and I'm "PAW". Needless to say, we don't have much monogrammed. We had a few baby names leave the list when we discovered that the initials would be COW or POW.
Possible Nicknames – Patricia Bucher (rhyme it with the card game euchre) easily turned into "Patty Puker". Nice one and enough said. (It did rule out "Oscar" – due to the grouch or the wiener).
Meaning – Neither one of us were dead-set about carrying on a name or using a family name. (So if this one's a boy…it will not be Andy Jr.) However, my mom's maiden name did not get carried forward. My uncle's only child is a girl. And I loved my Grandma Dot. I enjoyed spending time with her, listening to her stories, etc. So we chose to use her last name "Gleason" as our first child's middle name – girl or boy. So Stella will live with that choice her whole life. I hope she comes to appreciate it some day when we explain the meaning behind it. "Charlotte Amelia" had no specific family connection. There is a "Charlotte" on my side of the family (my grandma Bucher's sister), but unfortunately, I did not know her well. And I did babysit for an "Amelia" who I enjoyed very much. So the names have just always stuck with me.
Saying it Out Loud – What do I mean by this? In college I babysat for a "Jenna" and her younger sister "Talia". They were in grade school at the time and the first night I was there they asked me…"What do you get when you put our names together??" Wow. That was an eye-opener. So we've practiced saying our kids names together. If Charlotte was a boy, she would have been "Rhett". But now it's not on the list because I think it ends too much like "Charlotte" – see, over thinking!
Popularity – One of our goals is for the name we choose to NOT be in the social security top 100 baby name list or at least be towards the top if we really love it. When we chose Stella in 2007 it was #244 and last year Stella was #126 – gaining popularity quickly = BUMMER. Charlotte was #87 when we picked it in 2008 and now the 2009 data shows it is #68. In my water aerobics class TWO of the FOUR women are using our names. The first woman told me her top choices were "Charlotte first, and then Stella, and what are your daughters names?" and then Saturday another woman showed up and said she was naming her daughter Stella. So much for lack of popularity! The name "Stella" showed up in the Pottery Barn Kids catalog shortly after we had her. I was thrilled that it was on a pattern that was hard to read the name! I wanted it kept a secret. And now I've seen "Charlotte" in the latest catalog…another BUMMER.
So we have chosen our name for baby #3. The boy name has changed each pregnancy. The girl name is one I love. We always chose right away and stuck with the same first name throughout each pregnancy. This time the girl's middle name changed half-way through. We don't share the name until the baby is born. And I actually have had a few people say afterwards, "Glad you didn't tell me it was going to be Stella…not sure I would have liked it."
Does our over-thinking solve everything that could happen with our intentions? Of course not. Stella and Charlotte are gaining popularity. People always scream "STELLA!", but I never saw that movie. Stella thought her full name was "Stella Bella Wade" until recently. People assume we picked family names since they are both old-fashion. Some people ask, "Do you call her Charlie?" And Stella is already confused about how to spell "Charlotte"…and we never even considered that! Charlotte may hate us for it when she's trying to learn it. And could we have given her a longer first and middle name? And I didn't think so many people would really "CAW" like a bird over her initials!
Hints on baby #3…I will say that the boy name we picked is more popular – falls in the top 100, but towards the top again like Charlotte was and gaining popularity. However, our girl name has been ranking in the 800-900 range for popularity! But it's not too far out there…I've heard it locally 2-3 times in the past few months. So it's nothing like Apple or Scout… And there is a bit of meaning to both middle names. So, stay tuned…you should find out in less than 2 weeks!
How did you choose your names? I know people have their specific reasons, fess up!
Naming a child is complicated. You are most likely giving something to someone that they will keep for life. And if it's a boy, the last name will remain as well. A girl may get married and decide to change her last name and that's obviously out of your control. I always find it fascinating to hear why a name was picked. Some people probably over think the process…and Andy and I are probably included with those people!
Before Andy and I even got married the naming discussion came up at some point. We (he may or may not remember this) actually agreed that whatever we named our kid(s), our goal would be to name him/her whatever we planned to call him/her. I was named Patricia Ann Bucher at birth and he was named Michael Andrew Wade. We have both spent our lives correcting people when they assume our shortened names. Just the other day we were "Pat & Mike". No thanks.
Other things we now also take into consideration – initials, possible nicknames, meaning, saying it out loud and popularity.
Initials – Andy and I happen to formally be "MAW" and "PAW". The mortgage lenders have the most fun with this one since you have to initial EVERY page of a mortgage or refinance document. And it's even funnier to them since he's "MAW" and I'm "PAW". Needless to say, we don't have much monogrammed. We had a few baby names leave the list when we discovered that the initials would be COW or POW.
Possible Nicknames – Patricia Bucher (rhyme it with the card game euchre) easily turned into "Patty Puker". Nice one and enough said. (It did rule out "Oscar" – due to the grouch or the wiener).
Meaning – Neither one of us were dead-set about carrying on a name or using a family name. (So if this one's a boy…it will not be Andy Jr.) However, my mom's maiden name did not get carried forward. My uncle's only child is a girl. And I loved my Grandma Dot. I enjoyed spending time with her, listening to her stories, etc. So we chose to use her last name "Gleason" as our first child's middle name – girl or boy. So Stella will live with that choice her whole life. I hope she comes to appreciate it some day when we explain the meaning behind it. "Charlotte Amelia" had no specific family connection. There is a "Charlotte" on my side of the family (my grandma Bucher's sister), but unfortunately, I did not know her well. And I did babysit for an "Amelia" who I enjoyed very much. So the names have just always stuck with me.
Saying it Out Loud – What do I mean by this? In college I babysat for a "Jenna" and her younger sister "Talia". They were in grade school at the time and the first night I was there they asked me…"What do you get when you put our names together??" Wow. That was an eye-opener. So we've practiced saying our kids names together. If Charlotte was a boy, she would have been "Rhett". But now it's not on the list because I think it ends too much like "Charlotte" – see, over thinking!
Popularity – One of our goals is for the name we choose to NOT be in the social security top 100 baby name list or at least be towards the top if we really love it. When we chose Stella in 2007 it was #244 and last year Stella was #126 – gaining popularity quickly = BUMMER. Charlotte was #87 when we picked it in 2008 and now the 2009 data shows it is #68. In my water aerobics class TWO of the FOUR women are using our names. The first woman told me her top choices were "Charlotte first, and then Stella, and what are your daughters names?" and then Saturday another woman showed up and said she was naming her daughter Stella. So much for lack of popularity! The name "Stella" showed up in the Pottery Barn Kids catalog shortly after we had her. I was thrilled that it was on a pattern that was hard to read the name! I wanted it kept a secret. And now I've seen "Charlotte" in the latest catalog…another BUMMER.
So we have chosen our name for baby #3. The boy name has changed each pregnancy. The girl name is one I love. We always chose right away and stuck with the same first name throughout each pregnancy. This time the girl's middle name changed half-way through. We don't share the name until the baby is born. And I actually have had a few people say afterwards, "Glad you didn't tell me it was going to be Stella…not sure I would have liked it."
Does our over-thinking solve everything that could happen with our intentions? Of course not. Stella and Charlotte are gaining popularity. People always scream "STELLA!", but I never saw that movie. Stella thought her full name was "Stella Bella Wade" until recently. People assume we picked family names since they are both old-fashion. Some people ask, "Do you call her Charlie?" And Stella is already confused about how to spell "Charlotte"…and we never even considered that! Charlotte may hate us for it when she's trying to learn it. And could we have given her a longer first and middle name? And I didn't think so many people would really "CAW" like a bird over her initials!
Hints on baby #3…I will say that the boy name we picked is more popular – falls in the top 100, but towards the top again like Charlotte was and gaining popularity. However, our girl name has been ranking in the 800-900 range for popularity! But it's not too far out there…I've heard it locally 2-3 times in the past few months. So it's nothing like Apple or Scout… And there is a bit of meaning to both middle names. So, stay tuned…you should find out in less than 2 weeks!
How did you choose your names? I know people have their specific reasons, fess up!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Family Dynamics – What's in a Number?
From as early as I can remember, I've always wanted 4 children. So although I haven't even given birth to baby #3 yet, I'm already contemplating the fate of #4 and it's not looking good for its sake. Yes, I was a bit disappointed when it wasn't twins this time, because then I'd be done for sure!
Why did I always want 4 kids? I always knew that I wanted more than one child. Although she may say, "Yeah, right" I have always appreciated having a sister growing up. There was someone to play with, someone to share with, someone to fight with, someone to tease, etc. I learned a lot from having a younger sister to help take care of and to boss around. I couldn't imagine being an only child myself and so therefore, knew if possible, I wanted multiple kids myself.
Then my mom got remarried and my brother came along. Although he is "classified" by research as an "only child" since there are 14 years between him and my younger sister, he still turned us into a 3-kid family. It was fun to have another personality in the house, another birthday to celebrate, another kid to torment, etc. For me, 4 sounded like the perfect number. I like even numbers. Plus, then there would be two kids in the middle and the "middle child syndrome" would be avoided.
Some of the reasons why I wanted a bigger family are more selfish. With 4 kids, there are more available to do chores, right? With 4 kids, one of them is destined to stay close to us after growing up, getting married and having kids of their own, right? One of them will definitely take care of us when they are older, right? One of them will turn out half-way normal, right? I wanted the odds to be for us, not against us. And remember 4 is a nice even number. Everyone will have a partner and no one will be left out. Although with three kids Andy always tells me, "Don't worry, everyone WILL have a partner…just not you." THANKS!
I will admit that the "middle child syndrome" does cross my mind when I think of only having three kids and it seems to stick there. I'm not sure why. I normally don't get caught up in that type of thing. Plus, I realistically know that there are other things that make up a person's personality, etc. How close in age are the children? Does mom stay home or work? Is dad in the picture? How do you parent? What astrological sign was the kid born under? (Yep! I actually have a friend that plans her pregnancies around that one.) The list goes on and on. I think that my concern of this "syndrome" is more of a cover-up.
I think it comes down to admitting to myself that I can break the pact I made with myself years ago. I need to realize that I'm not failing as a parent by admitting I'm tired and want some of my life (and my body) back sooner rather than later. Although I love both of my girls more than life itself and am so looking forward to this 3rd addition and having an infant again, I'm just not sure I'm cut out for another one. As Stella turns into such a little person with her own thoughts and as Charlotte becomes more independent and less "work", I see this preview of how life does get easier from a certain perspective. (I'm often told that as your children grow it's less physically demanding and more emotionally demanding.)
So although I'm ready for the arrival of #3 and the return to sleep deprivation and trying to figure out what certain cries mean, I already find myself thinking "How long will it be again before getting out of the house will not be such an event?" and then calculating how long it will be before baby #3 will reach the stage where Charlotte is today when we can finally communicate and understand what she wants a majority of the time. So that's my clue that although this baby will be worth doing it all over again, I'm just not sure I'll be ready to jump in again for a fourth time.
Plus, I see friends that have 3-4 kids that are older than mine. And I hear about their homework and activities and birthday parties to attend and the list goes on and on. I'm already adding a 3rd to this future chaos…do I really want to do 4 things of homework each night?? Yes, some people over-schedule their kids. I get it. But if each of your 3-4 kids has ONE outside activity, that's already 3-4 commitments each week assuming you only go to it once. When I go down that path, it's overwhelming! So maybe 3 isn't so bad from a balance perspective.
Overall, as a first-born overachiever…straying from a goal I always had in my head, that's HARD! But, I never thought it would take two years to conceive Stella in the first place (so I'm already behind schedule to begin with!), I never thought I'd continue working (but I have caved to my need to get away each day), and I never thought I would drive a freakin' minivan (enough said). Goals change and for good reason. Sometimes we just have to adjust to new ideas of perfect.
I'm going to wait until baby #3 turns one to make any final decisions, but I might end up deciding on my unevenly numbered family after all! Or maybe I'm having a pregnancy moment right now and will want to take the plunge. Because my kids are too darn cute and why not add another?? And, yes, I guess I should see what Andy thinks…are you reading this, honey?
And you? Are you an only child? Middle child? The baby of the family? If you have kids yourself, how did you pick the number you have? What's your perspective?
Why did I always want 4 kids? I always knew that I wanted more than one child. Although she may say, "Yeah, right" I have always appreciated having a sister growing up. There was someone to play with, someone to share with, someone to fight with, someone to tease, etc. I learned a lot from having a younger sister to help take care of and to boss around. I couldn't imagine being an only child myself and so therefore, knew if possible, I wanted multiple kids myself.
Then my mom got remarried and my brother came along. Although he is "classified" by research as an "only child" since there are 14 years between him and my younger sister, he still turned us into a 3-kid family. It was fun to have another personality in the house, another birthday to celebrate, another kid to torment, etc. For me, 4 sounded like the perfect number. I like even numbers. Plus, then there would be two kids in the middle and the "middle child syndrome" would be avoided.
Some of the reasons why I wanted a bigger family are more selfish. With 4 kids, there are more available to do chores, right? With 4 kids, one of them is destined to stay close to us after growing up, getting married and having kids of their own, right? One of them will definitely take care of us when they are older, right? One of them will turn out half-way normal, right? I wanted the odds to be for us, not against us. And remember 4 is a nice even number. Everyone will have a partner and no one will be left out. Although with three kids Andy always tells me, "Don't worry, everyone WILL have a partner…just not you." THANKS!
I will admit that the "middle child syndrome" does cross my mind when I think of only having three kids and it seems to stick there. I'm not sure why. I normally don't get caught up in that type of thing. Plus, I realistically know that there are other things that make up a person's personality, etc. How close in age are the children? Does mom stay home or work? Is dad in the picture? How do you parent? What astrological sign was the kid born under? (Yep! I actually have a friend that plans her pregnancies around that one.) The list goes on and on. I think that my concern of this "syndrome" is more of a cover-up.
I think it comes down to admitting to myself that I can break the pact I made with myself years ago. I need to realize that I'm not failing as a parent by admitting I'm tired and want some of my life (and my body) back sooner rather than later. Although I love both of my girls more than life itself and am so looking forward to this 3rd addition and having an infant again, I'm just not sure I'm cut out for another one. As Stella turns into such a little person with her own thoughts and as Charlotte becomes more independent and less "work", I see this preview of how life does get easier from a certain perspective. (I'm often told that as your children grow it's less physically demanding and more emotionally demanding.)
So although I'm ready for the arrival of #3 and the return to sleep deprivation and trying to figure out what certain cries mean, I already find myself thinking "How long will it be again before getting out of the house will not be such an event?" and then calculating how long it will be before baby #3 will reach the stage where Charlotte is today when we can finally communicate and understand what she wants a majority of the time. So that's my clue that although this baby will be worth doing it all over again, I'm just not sure I'll be ready to jump in again for a fourth time.
Plus, I see friends that have 3-4 kids that are older than mine. And I hear about their homework and activities and birthday parties to attend and the list goes on and on. I'm already adding a 3rd to this future chaos…do I really want to do 4 things of homework each night?? Yes, some people over-schedule their kids. I get it. But if each of your 3-4 kids has ONE outside activity, that's already 3-4 commitments each week assuming you only go to it once. When I go down that path, it's overwhelming! So maybe 3 isn't so bad from a balance perspective.
Overall, as a first-born overachiever…straying from a goal I always had in my head, that's HARD! But, I never thought it would take two years to conceive Stella in the first place (so I'm already behind schedule to begin with!), I never thought I'd continue working (but I have caved to my need to get away each day), and I never thought I would drive a freakin' minivan (enough said). Goals change and for good reason. Sometimes we just have to adjust to new ideas of perfect.
I'm going to wait until baby #3 turns one to make any final decisions, but I might end up deciding on my unevenly numbered family after all! Or maybe I'm having a pregnancy moment right now and will want to take the plunge. Because my kids are too darn cute and why not add another?? And, yes, I guess I should see what Andy thinks…are you reading this, honey?
And you? Are you an only child? Middle child? The baby of the family? If you have kids yourself, how did you pick the number you have? What's your perspective?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
TV, or Not TV: That is the Question
Here's another controversial topic that I'm sure every parent just loves…how much television do you really let your children watch? And what programs do they watch? Just like all of the other decisions parents make, this subject is a hot-button to many. I'm writing this from the point-of-view of a mother of a toddler and an infant in the dead of winter. I know my thoughts and opinions may change as my girls get older. However, for now, I'm taking into account that I have a 2 ½ year old and a (almost!) 1 year old. So the screen time we are using is television, not computers, video games, etc. And since Stella is more interested in the television than Charlotte, most of this is based upon her. And we are guilty of more television when it's cold and dark outside…who isn't?
I treat television somewhat like food. I'm not so concerned about what Stella watches in one day, but look at how much television she watches over a week. wIt's all about balance at our house. And I do want her to watch television. Yep, I want it to be part of her regular routine. My fear is that if she doesn't learn how to balance watching television with other activities, then someday she'll discover television and become a zombie in front of it; fascinated by it because it was treated as "off-limits". By teaching her early on that it's an ok thing in moderation, I hope to set that expectation for life. We use verbiage such as, "Stella, we've watched enough television for today. It's time to turn it off now and do another activity." And she's usually fine with that.
Is this more work for us…generally. Because now Andy and I have to get out the arts and crafts or the games or read books if Stella has already entertained herself for awhile. We have to work at being engaging parents and I can see why people take the easy way out and plop their kids in front of the television instead. Don't take me wrong. We both enjoy doing these things with her; we just have hundreds of other things to get done around the house as well. And with two working parents, time is limited. But since that also means our time with her is limited, we make the effort and my dining room table is STILL piled with stuff from Christmas. I also have to say that my kids are in daycare 4 days a week (where there is NO television) and I will admit they would probably watch more television each day if they were home with me.
Do I use it every now and then as a life saver? ABSOLUTELY! Stella enjoys watching it. It's a "special treat" to her. So I know I can put her in front of a 30-minute show and do something like take a shower or cook dinner. Rarely is she in front of it for more than an hour at a time. That's usually my limit. However, last Friday morning none of us felt well and so Stella, Charlotte and I curled up on the couch and watched "Toy Story 2". I figured she needs to be in-the-loop on Woody, Buzz, Jessie and Bullseye when the new movie comes out this summer, right? I honestly didn't have the energy to do anything else.
I am, however, very concerned about what is actually on the television. We generally don't leave it on for background noise when the kids are nearby. The real bitch about this is that I have to find my own free time (the thought makes me laugh) to watch the shows I enjoy – "Oprah", "Weeds", "Big Love", "The Bachelor" (yes, I'm a closet watcher), "Two and a Half Men", "Fringe", etc. So if it's on when they are awake, it's usually on one of three channels – Disney, Nick, or PBS. I am hesitant about letting her watch anything that I haven't already "researched". And by "researched" I mean many things – having watched an episode myself to just asking another mom about a show. I do not let Stella watch any cartoon she wants to – I feel things like Spongebob are not appropriate for her age. And some shows just annoy me – Dora is pretty much banned from the house if I'm home, because I'm just sick of her voice...educational or not. So often I seek out other options for my sake.
What are our current favorites? Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is still one of Stella's absolute favorites. Other standbys are Handy Manny, Olivia, Clifford, Curious George, and Dinosaur Train. A new find for us is Super WHY! Stella loves to learn new things, so she really enjoys this show. We also have a few favorite videos – the Leap Frog Letter Factory and Disney Princess Sing-a-longs.
Do I think she is harmed developmentally from being in front of the television? Nope. If anything, Stella generally learns something new from the shows she watches. Again, I'm careful about what she's watching – I'd prefer it be educational. Takes some of the guilt out of it for me. She has actually tried a few more things at dinner since watching the food episode on Yo Gabba Gabba while she sings their song, "You try it, you like it!" She sings the alphabet with the Super Readers on Super WHY! Now, she may be the exception since she loves learning new things. We'll have to see how Charlotte does.
A few funny things Stella LOVES to watch – sports. Any sports. One Saturday afternoon we were watching baseball and alternated to a football game during commercials. If we forgot to change the channel, she'd remind us…"It's a commercial, change it to football!" And if any basketball is on, she stops and yells, "GO X!" And, yes, dad she LOVES bicycle races. She also loves Wheel of Fortune, or Wheel of "Portune" as she calls it.
As the girls get older, I'm sure my guidelines will change. Especially when computers and video games come into the picture. And I'll also have to take into consideration the "violence" and "sexuality" of television. Not that I discount the thoughts and opinions around it. I just think a lot of it comes down to parent interaction and appropriate choices for your children. Damn, we have a lot of responsibility! And unfortunately, there are too many parents making bad choices which then raises the hype on these issues for the rest of us. But those are topics for another day and will probably be titled "The Bubble Will Pop One Day" for those that try to raise their kids in that bubble. Luckily, Dora is lacking sexuality so it's not a concern right now.
I've taken some mental notes from friends who have older kids. Some give the kids a certain number of hours each week for television, computers and video games. The kids can "spend" the hours however they want, but once the hours are gone…they are gone! Another friend uses commercials to teach her kids about sales and marketing and the power of influencing others. Many friends don't allow their kids to have televisions in their rooms. And as pissed as I was that I didn't have one in my room until my senior year of high school, I get it now.
So, in your house, TV, or not TV? Advice for me for the future?
I treat television somewhat like food. I'm not so concerned about what Stella watches in one day, but look at how much television she watches over a week. wIt's all about balance at our house. And I do want her to watch television. Yep, I want it to be part of her regular routine. My fear is that if she doesn't learn how to balance watching television with other activities, then someday she'll discover television and become a zombie in front of it; fascinated by it because it was treated as "off-limits". By teaching her early on that it's an ok thing in moderation, I hope to set that expectation for life. We use verbiage such as, "Stella, we've watched enough television for today. It's time to turn it off now and do another activity." And she's usually fine with that.
Is this more work for us…generally. Because now Andy and I have to get out the arts and crafts or the games or read books if Stella has already entertained herself for awhile. We have to work at being engaging parents and I can see why people take the easy way out and plop their kids in front of the television instead. Don't take me wrong. We both enjoy doing these things with her; we just have hundreds of other things to get done around the house as well. And with two working parents, time is limited. But since that also means our time with her is limited, we make the effort and my dining room table is STILL piled with stuff from Christmas. I also have to say that my kids are in daycare 4 days a week (where there is NO television) and I will admit they would probably watch more television each day if they were home with me.
Do I use it every now and then as a life saver? ABSOLUTELY! Stella enjoys watching it. It's a "special treat" to her. So I know I can put her in front of a 30-minute show and do something like take a shower or cook dinner. Rarely is she in front of it for more than an hour at a time. That's usually my limit. However, last Friday morning none of us felt well and so Stella, Charlotte and I curled up on the couch and watched "Toy Story 2". I figured she needs to be in-the-loop on Woody, Buzz, Jessie and Bullseye when the new movie comes out this summer, right? I honestly didn't have the energy to do anything else.
I am, however, very concerned about what is actually on the television. We generally don't leave it on for background noise when the kids are nearby. The real bitch about this is that I have to find my own free time (the thought makes me laugh) to watch the shows I enjoy – "Oprah", "Weeds", "Big Love", "The Bachelor" (yes, I'm a closet watcher), "Two and a Half Men", "Fringe", etc. So if it's on when they are awake, it's usually on one of three channels – Disney, Nick, or PBS. I am hesitant about letting her watch anything that I haven't already "researched". And by "researched" I mean many things – having watched an episode myself to just asking another mom about a show. I do not let Stella watch any cartoon she wants to – I feel things like Spongebob are not appropriate for her age. And some shows just annoy me – Dora is pretty much banned from the house if I'm home, because I'm just sick of her voice...educational or not. So often I seek out other options for my sake.
What are our current favorites? Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is still one of Stella's absolute favorites. Other standbys are Handy Manny, Olivia, Clifford, Curious George, and Dinosaur Train. A new find for us is Super WHY! Stella loves to learn new things, so she really enjoys this show. We also have a few favorite videos – the Leap Frog Letter Factory and Disney Princess Sing-a-longs.
Do I think she is harmed developmentally from being in front of the television? Nope. If anything, Stella generally learns something new from the shows she watches. Again, I'm careful about what she's watching – I'd prefer it be educational. Takes some of the guilt out of it for me. She has actually tried a few more things at dinner since watching the food episode on Yo Gabba Gabba while she sings their song, "You try it, you like it!" She sings the alphabet with the Super Readers on Super WHY! Now, she may be the exception since she loves learning new things. We'll have to see how Charlotte does.
A few funny things Stella LOVES to watch – sports. Any sports. One Saturday afternoon we were watching baseball and alternated to a football game during commercials. If we forgot to change the channel, she'd remind us…"It's a commercial, change it to football!" And if any basketball is on, she stops and yells, "GO X!" And, yes, dad she LOVES bicycle races. She also loves Wheel of Fortune, or Wheel of "Portune" as she calls it.
As the girls get older, I'm sure my guidelines will change. Especially when computers and video games come into the picture. And I'll also have to take into consideration the "violence" and "sexuality" of television. Not that I discount the thoughts and opinions around it. I just think a lot of it comes down to parent interaction and appropriate choices for your children. Damn, we have a lot of responsibility! And unfortunately, there are too many parents making bad choices which then raises the hype on these issues for the rest of us. But those are topics for another day and will probably be titled "The Bubble Will Pop One Day" for those that try to raise their kids in that bubble. Luckily, Dora is lacking sexuality so it's not a concern right now.
I've taken some mental notes from friends who have older kids. Some give the kids a certain number of hours each week for television, computers and video games. The kids can "spend" the hours however they want, but once the hours are gone…they are gone! Another friend uses commercials to teach her kids about sales and marketing and the power of influencing others. Many friends don't allow their kids to have televisions in their rooms. And as pissed as I was that I didn't have one in my room until my senior year of high school, I get it now.
So, in your house, TV, or not TV? Advice for me for the future?
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